I hate Charlie. I hate him so, so much. I can’t wait to get rid of him, but, unfortunately, I have to wait until Tuesday when the exterminator comes to set some traps.

You see, Charlie is a huge rat/rodent/squirrel/beaver/woodpecker/thing that lives in the ceiling of my bedroom. I think it’s a rat because it sounds heavy like a cat, but it also does a lot of banging around (think the sound of a hammer), which makes me think it’s part woodpecker. It slaps things too like I imagine a beaver might do with his tail. Maybe it’s a monster. I prefer to call it a rat because it’s shorter than saying rat/rodent/squirrel/beaver/woodpecker/thing.

Anyway, this rat has been living in my bedroom ceiling for a few months now, keeping pretty quiet. Apparently, it’s almost nesting time though because in the last month, things have been heating up. I do not know how much space there is between my ceiling and the floor of the apartment above me, but it sounds like there’s enough room for a small party. Charlie usually wakes up around 7:30, which is fine by me during the week because I’m already up and getting ready for work. It’s on the weekends that it’s particularly annoying. Seven thirty the banging, hammering, skittering, and slapping starts to happen. I believe the it’s building a nest for some babies. I cannot imagine how loud it will get once a litter arrives as it’s already out of control now. To give you an idea of how loud it is, I can hear it out in the living room when the TV is on. I’m telling you, Charlie is LOUD.

Usually, the brunt of the building happens between 7:30 and 11:00 in the morning. It must be time for a nap or something after that because it usually gets quieter then. In the afternoon, he usually brings in friends because there are significantly more scratching feet moving around in the afternoon. By evening, things settled down again, though some nights, he’s up until 11:00. Who knew that the life of a rat was so full? If I were a rat, I would do absolutely nothing.

I finally had enough of this so I called to the office to tell them about Charlie. They are having the exterminator come in on Tuesday to get rid of it or set traps or possibly shoot it, I don’t know. Carla and I considered hitting the ceiling with the end of the broom to try to shut him up yesterday, but we figured with our luck, it would make a hole in the ceiling and Charlie and all his friends would fall right down on top of us.

The reason that I’m so calm about this is that my register/heat vent is on the other side of my bedroom and Charlie has never gone over there. Also, he has never walked over towards my bathroom so I know he hasn’t gotten near the shower head or toilet. Charlie stays in his one corner of my ceiling and builds his little house. I will not miss him when he is gone.

Carla opened my patio door to step outside and see if there is a visible hole that Charlie’s using to go in and out. As she was standing there looking, she heard this furious hissing noise. When she looked down, there was a mother duck, sitting on her nest, ruffling her feathers and about ready to take off Carla’s toes. Carla screamed and jumped back inside and slammed the door shut, locking it securely. That adds another dimension to my animal history because last year, the ducks tortured me and made me a prisoner in my house. At least they built their nest over in the corner in the grass. This year, they decided they wanted to perch right outside my door so now I can’t even go outside on my patio.

So, not only do I need to get rid of the ever-annoying Charlie in my ceiling, but I also need to figure out how to get the stupid duck off of her nest and out of my backyard.

I hate animals.