Kevin found this today and it sent me into fits and fits of laughter. I had to get a tissue because I was crying from laughing so hard. I could relate to so many of these one-liners that I felt as if I might have written it. I didn’t. (And I don’t know who did.) Anyway, here are a few of the ones that amused me the most.
- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….
- There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
- Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
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