I’ve always wished I was a natural runner; someone who actually enjoys running and can run with ease. I read an article once in Runner’s magazine about two women who are both marathoners and continued training during their pregnancies with these weird treadmill setups where they were basically cushioned in so their stomachs wouldn’t bounce. They’d run easier, shorter runs, logging only, oh, maybe 15 miles a day. Three weeks after birth they were outside on the trails again, getting ready for their next marathon. (Talk about not even having baby weight to lose!)

Then there’s me: I’m doing awesome if I can run 2 miles. (And by “run” I really mean “plod” or “trudge”. I’m not a graceful, beautiful, long-legged, deep-striding runner!) Two summers ago I worked my way up to 5 miles, which was an enormous feat of accomplishment for me. At that point, my easy days were 2.5 miles. In contrast, two nights ago at the gym, I barely eeked out a mile. The second the meter changed from 0.99 to 1.00 miles, I pulled the emergency cord and the treadmill came to a screeching halt so quickly that I fell into the front of it.

So, no, running isn’t a passion of mine, but I have learned a few things that make it bearable and possibly even occasionally enjoyable. (As a side note, running on treadmills bore me. This is why I try to avoid treadmills at all costs.) When I came home from work last night stressed to the bone and with a headache the size of Antarctica, I layered on my clothes, grabbed a hat and gloves, laced up my shoes, and took off running what used to be my easy 2.5 mile route. The cold air wakened my senses, my gloves because snot-wipers, my calves tightened up with rage, but my head…it felt good. And though I did manage to pound out 2.44 miles, it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t fast.

I’ll never be a natural runner, but that’s okay. I guess.

Emily’s Guide to a Bearable Run:

1. Run outside; never on a treadmill. Treadmills will rip your knees apart faster than King Kong, plus they are super, uber boring because you can’t use tips 4 and 5. If you must use a treadmill, cover up the meter or else you’ll be checking it every 5 seconds to see if you’re done yet because it’s just that bad.
2. Run in the early morning, if possible. You’ll feel great the whole day and, in the summer, it’s the only time you won’t get heat stroke.
3. Make up stupid games like, “If I make it to that next electric pole, I can stop running. … Haha, just kidding, keep running, fool!” or my favorite made-up game, Decorate This House. I imagine the layout of houses I pass and then imaginarily paint them and buy furniture and arrange everything inside. The next time I pass it, I rearrange the previous arrangement. Do you know how many houses in our neighborhood have been mentally decorated by me…multiple times?
4. Use landmarks as goals and sometimes you’ll get lucky enough to get a break. For example, there’s a place in my longer route where I have to cross a busy road so sometimes I’ll tell myself that if I can just make it to that spot, there’s a chance I’ll get to pause while I wait for traffic. Most often, my wish comes true.
5. Look for spots to photograph later. Just this past Sunday, I went for a run and passed an awesome tree/bush that was reflecting beautifully in the melting pool of snow that had surrounded it. After I got back from my run, I grabbed my camera and went out and snagged some shots. I have also found a place where sometime, with a summer newborn, I would love to photograph in this weedy, forested patch of trees that will probably soon be bulldozed for housing.
6. Track or log your runs. I use the Nike+ system so I have a little tracker in my shoe and the app on my iPod so a nice man will tell me how far I’ve gone, how fast I’m running, and a plethora of other tidbits. After my run, it uploads into my online Nike+ account and graphs everything for me. I can compare runs from last year or two days ago; I can set up coaching runs; I can train for events; etc.
7. Have a Power Song. When you think you cannot run a second more, hit your Power Song and, guarantee, you’ll be able to make it at least 3 more minutes. Mine has been the same song for the past 2 years: Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling. It still works for me.
8. Run in populated areas. Not only is this safer, but it will, again, give your mind something to do. Look at the kids fishing in that pond. Look at the people sitting on the patio at the restaurant. Look at the couple on bikes. Look at the family with a baby tucked into a stroller. If you want to dice it up a bit, imagine what their lives are like; what their favorite food might be, how they treat their spouse or children; what their style is; what kind of jobs they have. You can make up whatever you want! It’s allowed because it’s running therapy.
9. Listen to music with only one earbud. This is for swiveling purposes only. Since I run by myself, I need to be aware of my surroundings all the time. I can’t see what’s behind me so occasionally I’ll turn my head to the side to get a peripheral view, but mostly, I rely on my hearing. If I leave one earbud out, I can hear both my music as well as surrounding sounds. This has also helped me escape dogs a few times, which makes it mandatory in my running book. Plus, there’s nothing worse than having a biker (or another runner) pass you and you jump into defense mode because you didn’t hear them announce their presence. It’s embarrassing and unnecessary.
10. Wear cute running clothes. Yes, it sounds stupid (but doesn’t all my advice?), but honestly, if I feel like I look good, I will run better. If I’m running frumpy, then I feel frumpy and not very energized at all.
11. Wear spandex. I don’t care who you are or how you want to layer it, you will eternally thank me for not getting heat rash between your legs. If I ever wear regular running shorts now sans spandex, I use Body Glide on my legs. Rubs on like deodorant, but is a lifesaver against those damn blisters.
12. Breathe properly. Lastly, my only chance, even with all of my games, music, spandex, and mileage trackers, of actually running is using my Pilates breathing which is a big inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Once I learn to control my breathing, I can run much further because proper breathing helps me avoid those dreaded side pains that make me think I’m dying. Seriously. Sometimes I really think I’m dying. Wouldn’t that be awful to die doing something you didn’t really like to do in the first place? Like the time one of my coworkers was running and got hit by a car…I mean, she hated running and then she got hit by a car while doing it?! She’s totally fine, but I don’t know if she’s gone running since then. So…just breathe.