Turns out my royal wedding invitation may not have been lost in the mail after all. I got to be at the private wedding, the one that won’t air on television. The one that happens only in my crazy dreams.

With only 5 days left until the wedding, last night I dreamt that I was there. Kate and I were best of friends and I was, in fact, the only non-family member in attendance. Kate also was planning on coming to Iowa about every other week to visit me and to study bio-engineering at Iowa State. (I don’t know why there; she just told me “in Ames.”) So while I was helping her get dressed, we were planning all sorts of adventures in Iowa like an Amish buggy ride with my parents’ neighbors, a double date with Kevin and I, and a visit to the Country Store in Kalona. You know, big things that most members of the royal family have on their bucket lists.

The wedding was very odd in the sense that it was held at an indoor pool, complete with cement floor and everything. There was a two-level observation area. The royals were on the upper deck and the Middletons and I were on the main floor; there were only about 15 of us there (I know this because I remember in my dream thinking, “Wow, where are the 1,800 people who were supposed to be here?”). The Pope was conducting the service (I attribute this to the fact that Kevin & I watched a segment on the History Channel yesterday about the Vatican.) and he was standing on the other side of the pool. Kate wore, amazingly, a wedding dress very similar to mine. Which must mean that I too am a fashion icon.

But wait, prior to Kate walking out of the locker room and toward the pool, i.e. the “aisle”, all of us were staying in a hotel. Just a normal hotel with carpeted, dimly-lit hallways. I had to run up to Queen Elizabeth’s room to grab an extra hair curler, but couldn’t remember the room number. The front desk wouldn’t give me the information, but directed me to an old juke-box style key vault. If I could figure out what the Queen’s alias name was for her hotel room, I could get the key. Obviously, her alias was Billy Jean. (This was because when my sister and I were in London at Buckingham Palace for the changing of the guards, they played Michael Jackson’s Billy Jean and we got a huge kick out of that because the Queen picks out all of the music and so were imagining her coming out onto the balcony and moon walking.) So I got the key for the room and went in to grab the curler. Let me tell you, the Queen was so nice and was sitting in her room in an old pale blue nightgown and frizzy hair. I’m sure she had just woken up.

So back to the wedding, William and Harry were sitting on the edge of the pool with their legs dangling in the water. Before Kate walked in, the Queen said, “I determine that this wedding can proceed.” So Kate walked in and sat down on the edge of the pool and put her legs in the water too. The rest of us sat on our white, plastic pool chairs watching.

Suddenly, in the middle of the Pope talking, Harry dove into the water, really deep like he was deep-sea diving, and his suit disintegrated and he was wearing swim trunks. He surfaced on the opposite side of the pool, all smiles, head bobbing on the surface. This started the official wedding, apparently, because next William did the same thing and, just like Harry, his suit disappeared and he was in swim trunks. Kate then dove in and her wedding dress slid right off and she was wearing a white bikini with a lace cover-up when she surfaced. Her hair was wet and her makeup was smearing but her and William swam to the middle of the pool, treaded water and said their vows. A kiss concluded the ceremony and they swam back to the edge and climbed out of the pool, dripping wet, wearing only their swim suits and, for Kate, a see-through cover up.

But gosh, if it wasn’t the most glorious, magical wedding ever!!

The reception consisted of food served at the pool concession stand while we pulled out beach balls and floaties and the entire family, yes, even the Queen who wore a one-piece suit and her crown, played in the over-chlorinated pool for the rest of the day.

I highly doubt that this Friday’s real wedding is going to be able to live up to the standards now. A pool wedding, the Pope, Billy Jean, bio-engineering, the Queen in a bathing suit… I mean, really, best wedding of the century.

Congratulations, William and Kate! Can’t wait for that double date.