It’s been a year now. In that time, I’ve seen countless blue skies and I’ve thought of her every time.

Last fall was, overall, a very rough season for me and my family, aside from my grandma’s passing. I very vividly remember crying in my car after one particular phone call with my mom and saying out loud, “God, how much more?” Because I just didn’t think I could make it anymore, all those layers of bad news were piling on top of me in a heavy suffocating feeling. Just when I had started to process one piece of bad news, another one hit, then another. It was a period in my life where I felt very…bleak.

Then somewhere down there in the bottom of that pit of sadness and fear, light started to seep in. It wasn’t magical and it certainly wasn’t instant. But over time, I felt stronger and happier and less afraid. There was good news finally, then more good news. And I started healing, slowly.

When I look back, everything seems very foggy, hazy, and sad. As if my brain has tried to erase the memories and just left fuzzy streaks like bad windshield wipers. But I’ll never forget holding her hand and kissing her forehead. I’ll never forget the ride home, holding my husband’s hand and looking outside into the dark night and city lights. I’ll never forget seeing the blue sky as her casket was lowered into the grave. And I’ll never forget feeling completely lost for a while after that.

In a circle of complete life, on the one year anniversary of my grandma’s death tomorrow, my newest little niece will be one week old, nearly to the hour of exactness. Our family has welcomed two new babies since a year ago and the health scares turned out to be okay. We’re all one year older and we’re all a little wiser, a little more mature, and a little stronger.

But if I could just hold her hand for one minuter longer, I would.

Blue skies smilin’ at me 
Nothin’ but blue skies do I see 
Bluebirds singin’ a song 
Nothin’ but bluebirds all day long 

Never saw the sun shinin’ so bright 
Never saw things goin’ so right 
Noticing the days hurrying by 
When you’re in love, my how they fly 

Blue days, all of them gone 
Nothin’ but blue skies from now on 
Blue skies smilin’ at me 
Nothin’ but blue skies do I see

Blue days, all of them gone 
Nothin’ but blue skies from now on 
Nothin’ but blue skies from now on